Damn i miss my boyfriend. What kind of shit is this really??? At least i'll be off on December first... I really hate people man. Everyone really really sucks and i dont know why i hate people so much. The same old relelntless things to do. Day after Day. It'll be like this for a long time too. I presented my life story and my self evaluation today..at least thats some progress. Andrew said that in a week or two i'll be on second level cause im just fresh like that:) So that means, ...

oo yea. My name is Jessica and im an addict. Heh. went to my first meeting last night. It was for young people so everyone there was pretty cool and funny as hell. Liz came. You know her, psychotherapy woman of the world. She loved it haha...It wasn't bad at all..Only an hour long..Just talked about progress and like gettin sober and all that bumblefuck. You know. Fucking people with their fucking addictions and all that shit. It was cool though...I mean since its required haha. just thought i'd...

Hannabanana0302: cat got my tongue Hannabanana0302: i hate that fucking expression sKaLaZarUs: damn again? stop drinking cat nip hanna. Hannabanana0302: haha sKaLaZarUs: yea its stupid...i wonder what asshole had to experiance that in order to say it. Hannabanana0302: ooooo Hannabanana0302: i should research that sKaLaZarUs: yea. fucking cliche revolution.

strangly..i think im starting to kindof dig goin to rehab. like the people are pretty fucking fresh..into all the same music and shit..and its something to really get my mind off of shit since im not just sittin at home..i think i can really deal with this..and hey its helping me at the same time. today wasnt bad at all. its good after yeserday..i dono what was goin on there...wow such a hatred for the fucking world man. but dont we all feel that way somehow?...eh now i have to just get through ...

i wanna keep going with all of this so badly. i really hope it follows through. so people dont think im against anything good here. its just that slowly my hope is being shaved away. its sad isnt it. i know for a fact that i can do this for myself. its just that i dont wanna be in the situation where im not gonna want to. . . . . . . . . i never thought i would get to the point in my life where i would seriously drive myself crazy. what??? i wish everything was back to normal. - dingus

- my life + my consequences - my love + my sobriety - my future + my demise - my hope + my pain - my self esteem + my self destruction - my family + my knowledge - my outlook + my insanity - my courage + my fear - my motivation + my hopelessness - myself + nothingness - my one true love + my curruption - my rehabilitation +dingus It all cancels out and what really matters? EVERYTHING IS FUCKING GREY AND JUST DEAL WITH THAT SHIT. "A hundred years from now we'll be gone, so fuck this s...

its always been so difficult for me to just sit back and do nothing while everyone is out there having the time of their lives. i dono i guess i've been able to handle it pretty well for the past two weeks but its Halloween damnit, the best fucking holiday out there. just walking around evil as shit trying to wreck as much shit as possible. wow this sucks. i love this day and im here. sitting. eating. watching fucking stupid Friday the Thirteenth marathons. yea, thats my idea of fun. i still sad...

have i failed my training? i really thought things were going well and that as a person i was really starting to fucking progress. now what i've forgotten has unexpectedly reared its ugly head. what next? i dont feel as if im strong enough to endure such occurances.dingus

and it happened just like that. suddenly i dont feel so bad for myself...and yet i have so much more sympathy for those who i've harmed in my ignorance. my first day in rehab...i dont suppose i've ever been so depressed and so full of glee at any point in my lifetime.. i met some whos stories were less sad then that of my own of course, but in this travel i also grasped onto a sense of appreciation for the people that had initially shut me down. these kids were so worn. they were involunt...

For so long I had a group of allies who were nothing but good to me for some wonderful years of my life.. Some of them even a more lengthy time. We had too much fucking fun all the fucking time. We got in our squabbles and all that normal mortal kombat shit. We were these kids who loved ska, our music, our life. The five of us would go to shows about as often as we would shower.(the not dirty way) They were wholesome. The warm fuzziness omitted from them all the time. Alright, high scho...

I mean how much can happen in one week man? We were just out there having the most delicious time I've had. ever.(me being only 15) Riding that train high on cocaine... Not to mention about 3 packs of Newports a friggin day. Come my demise, I was speechless. For so long i was so cunning, so agile, so manipulative. So fucking awesome. I mean now, yea i have remorse, but i also have some sort of memory of those three months that me and the boys had our divineness. So like i said, as of now i have ...